


Before I Go

by softsadcancer



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad and Happy, ash x eiji, asheiji, banana fish - Freeform, dream - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24876334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softsadcancer/pseuds/softsadcancer
Summary: "Took you long enough.”Eiji turned to the person behind the voice and was pleasantly surprised to find Ash leaning against the elevator entrance.“Ash!”With a big smile on his face, Eiji ran to Ash, his arms open to pull Ash in. Ash had a smile on his face as he opened his arms, the space between the two growing smaller and smaller till Eiji made contact, throwing his hands around Ash. Excited to see him, Eiji picked him up and spun him around, catching Ash by surprise.“Eiji, put me down!” He laughed.“No!” Eiji beamed.He was so happy to see Ash! And he was alive and okay! Eiji couldn’t be happier!~Of course, Eiji was surprised to see Ash, especially since he had just left New York to head back home. But did it matter? Of course not! He missed Ash too much too really care about everything that was happening around them, from their clothes swaps to the rapid change in scenery.Little did he know, he and Ash were meeting somewhere in the middle between life and death, and unbeknownst to Eiji, it's the final time they'll see each other.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 9
Kudos: 65





	Before I Go

_But I’m not going to say sa-yo-na-ra to you, Ash. I know we’ll meet again, no matter how far apart we are. You’re the greatest friend I’ll ever have._

Eiji and Ibe-san had just landed into Japan, tired and in need of a good night’s sleep. Still in his wheelchair, Eiji was accompanied by Ibe-san to his house to get dropped off first. Eiji’s mother welcomed them with open arms, glad to know her son was safe. She bent down and hugged him close and cried tears of joy, and Eiji immediately felt guilt bubbling up inside him as he hugged her back. His little sister was still at school, so he’d see her later in the evening. He was excited to see her and tell her about everything that happened; the stories he had for her.

Eiji’s mother ushered him and Ibe-san inside, lunch prepared, and set out on the table. They ate as Eiji’s mother doted on them, offering more food and checking to see that they were comfortable. She served them and asked questions about what went on in America. Eiji and Ibe-san were careful to omit some parts, worried his mother would pass out from fright and fear of what Eiji had experienced during his time there. Yes, it was dangerous, yes it was scary, and yes, he wondered many times if he would ever make it back out alive. But through it all, he met Ash. And if he was being honest, that was probably the best thing that happened to him throughout his time there. So did he regret going to America?

Not one bit.

After lunch, Eiji’s mother fussed over Ibe, insisting he stayed over and take a nap. “Don’t worry, I can quickly prepare the spare room! Please, Ibe-san, you look absolutely tired and exhausted! Allow me to repay you for looking after my son!”

Ibe-san smiled sheepishly, looking over at Eiji, knowing full well that the person who really looked after Eiji was Ash. But he thanked her, too tired to argue, and accepted her request. She rushed off to the spare room to take out the futon and arrange the room. Ibe-san wheeled Eiji to the bathroom and sighed. “How’re you feeling?”

Eiji wasn’t sure. He felt a mix of emotions and couldn’t quite pinpoint his exact feelings. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “I mean, I’m happy to be back home, but…” He didn’t need to finish his sentence for Ibe-san to understand what he was saying. Ibe-san nodded, kneeled in front of Eiji and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I know,” he nodded. “But maybe it was for the best.”

“I thought he would come,” Eiji felt his eyes prick with tears. “I’m sorry, I think I’m really tired, I don’t know why I’m like this.”

“Oh, Eiji,” Ibe-san put his arms around Eiji as he soaked Ibe’s shirt with his tears. Ibe-san pulled back, cupping Eiji’s face as he brushed away his tears with his thumbs. “Listen, one day, we’ll go back and we can visit him. Or maybe one day, he’ll come here. I’m sure we can get your address to him somehow.”

Eiji nodded as he wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Yeah, that’s right. This wasn’t a goodbye, this was a see you later. He’ll see Ash again. Hopefully, he’ll be happier when he sees him next time.

“Now how about you have a shower first? You could use some rest,” Ibe-san smiled as he stood up. He walked out the bathroom and closed the door behind him, leaving Eiji alone. Eiji slowly began to strip himself. He waited as he prepared the bath.

“That’s right,” he said to himself. “I’ll see you again, Ash.”

~

Eiji was tucked into bed as Ibe-san was having a shower; his mother insisted, and Ibe-san didn’t have to energy to disagree. Eiji’s mother sat on the edge of the bed, stroking his hand and giving it a small kiss. “I’m so glad to know you’re okay,” she said warmly.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Eiji said, squeezing his mother’s hand. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, what’s important is that you’re back and safe.” She pressed his hand to her lips, tears slowly streaming down her face. Eiji quickly sat up and pulled her into a hug as she sobbed into his shoulder. They didn’t say anything, but instead held each other close in the quiet of the room. Light from the outside still danced around Eiji’s room, peeking through the slits of the curtains by his window.

Eiji’s mother pulled away, kissing the top of his head as she wiped her tears. “Get some rest. Your sister will be very happy to see you.”

Eiji smiled in response. He was excited to see her too. He watched his mother close the door behind her, leaving him alone. He looked around his room. It had been so long since he was here. He almost forgot what it looked like. Looking around, all he could think about was his room back in America. He looked to his right, thinking about how Ash’s bed would be right there next to his. Would Ash be sleeping well? He hoped so.

His eyelids felt heavy as he laid down and looked up at the ceiling. He wondered what Ash was doing. He hadn’t seen him since that time in the hospital. Even though he was trying to protect Ash in letting him go, part of him regretted not hugging him before; he had no idea his last time seeing him would really be his last. Just as he was about to close his eyes and drift off to sleep, he heard low voices outside his door. He turned to face the door. The door handle jiggled, but then stopped. Did someone want to come in?

Deciding to ignore it, he sighed and pulled his duvet over him. As his eyes were fluttering shut, he saw the door open and a figure come in. The figure sat on his bed and placed a hand on his head, softly stroking his hair. He heard a faraway voice, as he drifted deeper and deeper into his slumber. The voice sounded sad. Sorry for him. Sympathetic. Was this stranger okay? What happened?

“…’m so…chan…Ash…collapsed…wound…he…sorry…”

What? What happened to Ash? Was he okay?

_Please be okay, Ash._

~

Eiji opened his and found himself standing before a dressing table, staring at his reflection. He was dressed in a tux and hair pushed back. He looked down at himself. Why was he dressed so formally? Where was he? He looked around the room he was standing in. It definitely wasn’t his room, as he failed to recognize any of the furniture. There was a large king-sized canopy bed in the middle of the room. The blanket was crumpled up at the bottom of the bed and the pillows had soft dents in them. It looked like someone had been sleeping in this bed earlier.

He turned a little to the small table by the large windows that overlooked the city outside. On the table stood an empty bottle of champagne and two champagne flutes. Next to it, a small folded white card. He picked up the card and looked outside. The view of the city was beautiful, bright twinkling lights of the buildings and cars below. Before getting lost in the view outside, he pulled himself back to where he was. He opened the folded card and read its contents, just five little words.

_See you at the ballroom._

Ballroom?

Eiji looked around the room once again to see if there was anything around him that would help him tell him where he was. Was it a mansion? Or a hotel maybe?

He walked to the bedside tables and found small notepads and feedback forms. The words _The Gardenia_ was written on the top, with a small picture flowers and leaves on either side. It looked like the kind of stuff you’d find on hotel items. So, he was in a hotel. But why? And also how did he get here?

He looked around for a key to the room but couldn’t find any. How was he to come back? Looking around one last time, still clutching the small card, he walked out the door. “No point staying here any longer,” Eiji said to himself. “There’s nothing here.” He decided maybe it would be best to head down to the reception and ask for another key. Maybe even ask who the room was booked under, because clearly, he had no recollection or memory of booking a room like this.

As he walked out, before him was a long hallway that reached the elevator at the end. He closed the door behind him and walked towards the elevator. He continued looking over the five words on the card, wondering who it was from. He turned the card over, but nothing else was written on it.

He walked into the elevator and was surprised to find that the only button he could press was the one with the label ‘Ballroom’. With no other option available, he pressed the button and felt the elevator jiggle a little before heading down smoothly. Eiji felt nervous. What was going on? Who was he going to meet? How did he even get here? All these question swarmed his head as he leaned against the elevator walls. A soft piano melody played in the background as he patiently waited to be dropped off at the ballroom floor.

_Ding!_

The elevator doors opened up into a large banquet hall. The floor seemed to be made of smooth marble, gleaming under the light of the many small chandeliers that adorned the ceiling. There were a few large round tables with chairs, leading Eiji to believe there was or will be a party. But it was empty. Where was everybody? Was he late to a party, or a little early? What was the party even for? He looked at the card in his hand once more. Was this what the card meant, was it an invitation for a party? He walked around hall, taking in the sight before him. The ceiling was high and the room was very wide. He felt tiny and exposed as he continued walking.

“Took you long enough.”

Eiji turned to the person behind the voice and was pleasantly surprised to find Ash leaning against the elevator entrance. How did Eiji not hear the ding of the elevator?

“Ash!”

With a big smile on his face, Eiji ran to Ash, his arms open to pull Ash in. Ash had a smile on his face as he opened his arms, the space between the two growing smaller and smaller till Eiji made contact, throwing his hands around Ash. Excited to see him, Eiji picked him up and spun him around, catching Ash by surprise.

“Eiji, put me down!” He laughed.

“No!” Eiji beamed.

Eventually he did; he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. Arms on either side of Ash, he looked at him with his smile still stuck on his face. He was so happy to see Ash! And he was alive and okay! Eiji couldn’t be happier!

“Ash, you’re okay!” Eiji finally said.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” Ash smirked.

“I don’t know, I’m just asking!” Eiji beamed. “So, what’s this party for?”

Ash looked around, almost as if he too had no idea what was going on. He shrugged and smiled. “Shall we dance?” Ash offered his hand.

“Dance?” Eiji stared at Ash’s hand. He took it and looked around the room once more. The tables had disappeared. “Wait, where are the tables?”

“They probably took it away so we could dance,” Ash replied calmly, walking forward and pulling Eiji alongside. Did they take it away when Eiji and Ash were hugging? How did they manage to do it so fast? And where did they come from? And where did they go?

“But where is everyone?”

“We are everyone.”

“No one else is coming?” Eiji was confused. So, what was this?

“Why would you think that?”

Out of nowhere, a soft piano melody played. Eiji turned to the sound of the piano and was shocked to suddenly see a woman stand at the end of the room, mic in hand. She was dressed in a long flowy cream coloured dress, her short hair brushing against her shoulders. A man sat at the piano, wearing a tux, the tails of his coat falling to the floor. When the woman opened her mouth to sing, Ash brought Eiji’s hand up, his other hand resting on Eiji’s waist, and the two of them glided along the marbled floor. Eiji watched in amazement as Ash guided him through the dance, softly humming to the tune of the song. Eiji had never heard of it.

_I know you’re mine_

It sounded like a very sad song.

_I can see right through your eyes_

“Ash,” Eiji looked at Ash, whose eyes were closed as he continued guiding them across the room. “Where are we?”

_I can see right through your heart_

“Huh?” Ash opened his eyes. “The ballroom, of course.”

_Even though we are apart_

“No, I mean this whole place. What is this?”

_I can see you when I sleep_

“Oh, you mean _The Gardenia_?” Ash looked around, smiling. “It’s a very nice hotel, one of the best here. Did you know that this hotel was actually built on a field that had many gardenias? They’re these small shrubs with these beautiful white flowers. So instead of-”

_I wake up and hope it wasn’t a dream_

“Ash, why are we-”

_Why can’t this be real?_

“-cutting down these beautiful plants and leaving them for dead, the construction team decided to build the hotel around this garden. So not only do they get to have these beautiful shrubs and flowers in their vicinity, but they also get to protect them and let them grow and flourish with care.” Ash continued. Eiji stared at him.

_No I can't help how I feel_

“Ash, why are we here?” Eiji repeated, still confused.

_All I wanna do is laugh_

The two continued to glide along the floor. Ash smiled. “Why not?”

_So much where you can’t go away_

“I didn’t think this was your style.”

_All I wanna do is cry_

“And I suppose me on the streets fighting for my life is?”

_So you have to wipe the tears from my face_

Eiji immediately regretted his question. “No, I didn’t mean- I’m sorry, no I didn’t mean it like that. I just-”

_Anything to make you stay_

Ash chuckled. “It’s okay. All that is behind me now.”

_Anything to make you stay_

Eiji’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

_Just one more day_

Ash nodded. “Yeah, I’m not doing that anymore. Plus,” His hand on Eiji’s waist pushed him out away from him, taking Eiji by surprise. With his other hand that held on to Eiji’s hand, Ash pulled him towards, twirling him as he got closer till their face were only centimeters apart. “I wanted to dance with you.”

_Anything to make you stay_

Eiji felt his face flush in embarrassment.

“Your face is red, are you okay?” Ash teased, pulling Eiji closer. The music started to play much more softly now.

Eiji refused to meet his eyes, staring at the floor as they danced. “Yeah, it’s just hot,” he said, forcing a laugh as he felt his face heat up.

Ash raised his eyebrows, a smile on his face. He stopped dancing and the two stood still. “Oh? Well then, do you want to go outside and get some air?”

“Outside now?”

“Yeah, let’s go!” Ash said excitedly. “Come on!” He pulled Eiji to the elevator doors.

“Wait, where are we going?” Eiji called out. “Isn’t it late?”

“What? No, of course not!” Ash laughed. Eiji stared at him in confusion as they continued running to the elevator doors. How far away was the elevator doors? Also, when he was up in the room, wasn’t he met with the night sky when he looked out the window?

“If we’re lucky,” Ash said, the sound of his smile in his voice. “We can catch the sunset!”

“Sunset?” Eiji asked, puzzled. “Isn’t it night?”

They reached the elevator doors. But the button to the doors had disappeared. “How are we-” Eiji began before Ash cut him off, pushing the doors open. The elevator doors had transformed into normal doors. Eiji wasn’t sure how it’d done that, but for some reason, didn’t seem too bothered by it.

Eiji looked behind him as Ash pulled him through the doors. The singer and the pianist had disappeared, and the room began to grow dark. He turned to look in front, surprised to see Ash was no longer wearing the tux from earlier. He now sported a white t-shirt, jeans, and red sneakers. Eiji looked down at his own clothes, realizing he was now wearing a salmon-coloured shirt, jeans, and his black sneakers. When did he change? How did he change?

He looked around, still holding on to Ash as they ran through a garden of big trees and white flowers.

“The gardenias I was talking about,” Ash called out. “See how beautiful they looked? And all they needed was a little love and care. That’s all they needed.”

Eiji wanted to stop, to ask Ash what was going on, but Ash showed no signs of stopping as they continued running. The forest of gardenia shrubs was slowly thinning out, making way to a field of tall grass. In the distance, Eiji could see the sun slowly starting to set. The trees, with their large outstretched branches, covered the sky so you couldn’t see what it looked like. But as they reached the clearing, Eiji could see a burst of orange in the sky, almost as if the sky was on fire.

The two, still hand in hand, ran through the grass, almost trying to catch the sun before it sank below. Eiji wasn’t quite sure how long he had been running, but his legs were starting to feel like jelly. How was Ash doing this? Was he not tired at all?

“Ash!” Eiji called out, panting, grass slapping his legs. “Ash, slow down!”

“We’re almost there!” Ash cried.

“Ash!”

Their running slowed to a jog, then to a walk, and then they stopped. Eiji collapsed to the ground, panting furiously. Ash had his hands on his knees as he panted, looking over at Eiji. “You okay?” He asked between breaths.

Eiji stared at him, annoyed and breathing heavily. “I don’t- know Ash- what do- you think?”

Ash laughed and offered his hand. “You’ve gotten weak. Let’s go.”

“Where to now? More running?” Eiji whined.

“Nope, we’re almost there, we’ll walk from here on out.”

Eiji looked sceptical.

“Promise,” Ash smiled. “Come.”

Eiji sighed, knowing he didn’t have much of a choice as he took Ash’s hand. Ash pulled him up and the two walked hand in hand. Further up, the grass got shorter until it barely reached their ankles. The sky above was a mix of blue and orange. The clouds captured different dues of orange from the sun; they looked so soft and reminded him of orange candy floss.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Ash said. He sat down and pulled Eiji with him.

“It is,” Eiji said, marveling at the view before him. In the distance, a flock of birds flew, the contrast of speckled black dots across a canvas of orange and blue. The wind blew softly, running its hands through their hair and clothes. There was a slight sweet smell to it. It was all so beautiful and Eiji wanted to live in it forever.

“You can walk fine now.”

Eiji turned to face Ash. He was still staring forward at the sun. “Huh?”

Ash turned to face him. “Your legs, you can walk now.”

“Oh.”

Eiji stretched his legs out and wiggled them about. He didn’t even realize he was walking and running this whole time; just a couple of hours ago, he was wheel-chair bound. He didn’t think too much about it as he turned to face Ash, a big smile on his face. “Yeah, guess I can now.”

_Your golden brown eyes_

“That’s good,” Ash smiled, ruffling Eiji’s hair. “I was worried you wouldn’t be able to walk again.”

_And your soft kind smile_

“Nah,” Eiji brushed him off, grinning. “I’m not as weak as you think I am.” 

_You light up my life_

“Uh-huh, and that back there was a real good show of it, huh?” Ash taunted, poking Eiji’s ribs.

_And you drive me wild_

Eiji pushed Ash, making him fall over from where he was sitting. “Not so weak now, am I?” Eiji teased.

_Let me into your heart_

“No, you still are,” Ash grinned as he grabbed Eiji’s hand and pulled him down with him. Eiji yelped as he made contact with the grass. Ash laughed, earning a grunt from Eiji as he rolled around and propped his elbows on the ground. Ash continued laying on his back, looking up at the sky as it got darker. He turned to face the sun, watching it slowly sink down.

_And allow me to learn your mind_

“It’s gonna get dark soon,” Eiji commented, looking at Ash. He looked so at peace staring at the sunset.

_I’m so lost in this world_

Ash turned to face him. “Yeah,” He stared at Eiji for a bit. “You look nice with the sun on you.”

_But with you I can find_

Eiji smiled. “So do you.”

_True love_

Ash rolled his eyes and snorted, but smiled nonetheless. “Come closer.”

_True love_

Eiji leaned closer to Ash, unsure of what to expect.

_I may be broken, I may be scared_

“Close your eyes.”

_But when I’m with you_

Eiji didn’t question him as he closed his eyes and waited. What was he going to do?

_There’s nothing to fear_

“There you go.”

_You tell me you love me in the sweetest way_

Eiji felt something tucked behind his ear. He opened his eyes and brought his hand to his ear, retrieving a flower that had been gently placed.

_You say you love me forever and a day_

“From the gardenia bushes earlier,” Ash said.

_Maybe you’re different_

“Oh,” Eiji twirled it in his finger, admiring its soft velvet white petals. Then he suddenly looked up. “Wait, how did you even manage to pick it?”

_But that’s okay because I love you_

Ash put his finger to his lips. “A magician never reveals his secret.”

_Forever and a day_

“Boo,” Eiji stuck his tongue out. Ash grinned and closed his eyes. Eiji rested his head in his hand as he rolled over to his side to face the sunset. Ash looked so at peace, lying on the ground with his hands on his chest. Eiji poked him between his eyebrow and watched him scrunch his face. “What?” Ash asked.

“Nothing,” Eiji smiled. Wait, actually, there was something. “Actually, Ash, where are we?”

“Outside?” Ash replied, confused.

“Well, I mean, yes, but this place. What is this place?”

Ash sat up. The sun was halfway through sinking into the horizon. It turned a deeper shade of orange, squiggly wavy lines dancing as it sunk lower. The sky turned darker, as traces of orange began to disappear. Clouds that once held on to the vibrant colour were now a pale shade of blue, slowly floating across the darkening sky. It wouldn’t be long before the stars would come poking through. “That was beautiful,” Ash said. He turned to Eiji. “Right?”

Eiji stared at Ash. The two stared at each other at the light slowly disappeared, leaving them sitting in the dark. Eiji wasn’t sure what was going on, and why Ash was avoiding the question. Was something wrong?

“Ash,” Eiji started but Ash stood up and dusted his jeans. He offered his hand to Eiji. Eiji looked at his hand and sighed. “Ash.”

“Let’s go,” Ash smiled. But this smile, this smile was different. It wasn’t one of those happy ones he was showered with throughout this time; it was almost sad. “Come.”

Eiji didn’t say anything as he took Ash’s hand and allowed himself to be lifted up. “Let’s go for a walk around town,” Ash said as he watched Eiji dust off his jeans. “What do you say?”

“Isn’t it far from here?” Eiji asked, looking out at the horizon. The sun had sunk below and now they were enveloped in the dark blue of the night sky, stars twinkling brightly above.

“It’s right there,” Ash pointed to behind Eiji, who turned. To his surprise, right behind him, where the forest had once been, now stood the town. He could now hear the sound of cars on the road. Had that always been there?

“Come,” Ash said. Suddenly, he was wearing a black long sleeve and a long white coat. Eiji looked at himself and realized his salmon shirt was now his cream-coloured sweater and green jacket. Ash dug his hands into his pockets and he walked forward. Eiji touched the flower that was still tucked behind his ear. He felt the soft petals and wondered what Ash was thinking about. He jogged to keep up with Ash and followed close behind him as they walked into town, blending it with the people walking on the pavements. It was suddenly very bright, compared to the soft darkness in the field. Eiji stuck close to Ash as he brushed past many people, not wanting to be swept away.

“Where are we going?” Eiji asked, pressing close to Ash. Why were there so many people?

“Somewhere to catch the sunrise.”

“Sunrise?” Didn’t they _just_ watch the sunset? “Hey, Ash -”

“This way,” Ash took his hand as they turned into a corner. There stood a ladder ahead of them. “If we go up this ladder, not only will you see the most beautiful sunrise ever,” Ash said as he climbed up, Eiji following close. “But you’ll see the sunrise over the city skyline, and it’s honestly quite a view.”

They reached the top of the building, and Ash wasn’t lying. He felt a cool breeze as he stood on the roof. He took a deep breath and sighed. He could see the dark outline of the city skyline, the sky a dark shade of blue. You could still see the stars shining brightly above. They still had a while before the sunrise. Ash sat on one of the stray boxes lying around. He pulled up another one and patted it, gesturing for Eiji to sit. Eiji walked over and sat next to Ash. “Drink?” Ash held out a canned drink.

“Where’d you get it?”

Ash smiled slyly. He opened the can and took a swig. “We still have time.”

“For the sunrise?” Eiji asked, opening his can.

“Yeah.”

Eiji took a sip and held the can between his legs as he sat leaning forward. Ash leaned back on his hands. The two sat in silence as they watched the sky, waiting for it to change colour.

“Ash.”

Ash sighed and leaned forward, looking at Eiji. “Your question, right?”

“Yeah,” Eiji said, suddenly unsure if he wanted to know. He really enjoyed Ash’s company, and he seemed to be in such a good mood, almost carefree. “But it’s okay, we can talk about it next t-”

“There’s no next time,” Ash said, looking forward. He took a sip of his drink.

“No next time?” Eiji asked, confused. “Why? Are you going somewhere?”

Ash turned to face Eiji. “Eiji, where are you?”

“I’m—” Eiji looked around. Come to think of it, where was he? Was he back in New York? Didn’t he fly back to Japan? Or was he in Japan?

No, this didn’t look like Japan. But it didn’t really look like New York either. Where was he?

“I don’t know,” Eiji finally said.

Ash nodded. Eiji waited patiently for Ash to explain himself. He touched the flower once again, feeling calm as he touched the petals. _What are you thinking, Ash?_

“That flower’s a bit like you, you know,” Ash said, watching Eiji.

“How?” Eiji laughed.

“Kinda pale, maybe a little weak,” Ash said, rubbing his chin. Eiji narrowed his eyes and pushed Ash. He laughed, and when Ash laughs, you couldn’t not laugh with him, so Eiji joined in. “But,” Ash continued, looking at the floor. “It’s also beautiful, soft, and you have this undying need to protect it.”

Eiji pushed Ash, but a little softer. “Look at you, quite the poet, huh,” Eiji teased.

Ash didn’t say anything, which made Eiji feel a bit uncomfortable. Clearly, something was wrong.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

Ash’s gaze remained on the floor. Eiji looked at him, trying to decipher his face. Was he feeling regret from when Eiji was shot?

“Hey, it’s okay!” Eiji said. He stood up in front of Ash. “Look, I’m feeling so much better now! I can walk again-”

“Yes, but what if you didn’t make it?” Ash said, looking up, fear painted on his face. “What if you… what if something really bad happened to you?”

Eiji bent down and hugged Ash, holding him close as he smoothed down his hair. “Ibe-san, Max, and all the doctors made sure nothing bad happened to me, they made sure I survived.”

Ash’s eyes were closed as he leaned closer into Eiji’s embraces. “Plus,” Eiji continued, resting his head on Ash’s head. “I made sure to fight too, fight to live so I could see you again.” Eiji pulled away, to Ash’s annoyance, and cupped Ash’s face. “See, and I did.”

Ash looked briefly at Eiji before returning to look at the floor. Eiji rubbed circles on Ash’s cheek with his thumbs.

“Now that I think about it,” Eiji said, removing the flower from his ear. He perched it on Ash’s ear instead. “You remind me more of this flower. Now I’ve got this overwhelming need to protect you.”

Ash snorted, the ends of his lips tugging up to form a small smile. He looked up at Eiji, covering Eiji’s hands on his face with his own. “You can’t.”

Eiji stared at Ash. His face was now calm, serene, but Eiji could see the pain behind his eyes and hear it in his voice. “You can’t protect me anymore.” Ash repeated, smiling as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Eiji forced out a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. He brushed away the tears with his thumbs. “Why not?”

Ash patted the box next to him. “Sit.”

Eiji let go of Ash’s face and sat next to him. They could see the sun was slowly rising; they couldn’t see the sun yet, but the rays were slowly peeking out from behind the buildings. The wispy cloudy above caught onto the colour of the rays, softly illuminating the sky with light orange. Ash stared straight ahead, almost as though he was collecting his thoughts. Eiji waited in anticipation.

“Ash?”

_I thought long and hard_

Ash turned to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you off at the airport. I just thought it was for the best, for us not to see each other anymore.”

_About how to say this_

“Why?”

_Right down to the core_

“I don’t know. I put you through so much. I thought I was bad luck to you, so the further I was from you, the safer you were,” Ash said, sighing as he looked back at the skyline. “And I wanted you safe.”

_I have to face it_

“Oh,” Eiji nodded. “Well, I figured that much.”

_I might break your heart_

“But then,” Ash continued. “I got your letter.” He stuffed his hands into his coat pocket and pulled out the leaves of paper. Eiji’s letter. He held them in both hands and smiled. Eiji noticed they were crumpled, and lightly stained. Stained with what?

_If I haven’t already_

“I got your letter,” Ash repeated, his hands shaking slightly. “And I saw the plane ticket. Right there and then, I thought, fuck it.” He turned to Eiji. “You were the only person in my life that made me feel safe without having to owe you anything. With you, I feel so comfortable, at ease, almost me. You brought out a side of me I wasn’t aware I had. I liked being with you. So when I saw this,” He held the plane ticket. “I decided I wanted to go with you, be with you.”

_But I knew from the start_

Eiji basked in Ash’s words, feeling the exact same for him. “I feel the same, Ash,” Eiji said softly. “Even though it was all so dangerous, just having you by my side made me feel okay, and I’d like that forever.”

_That this was too heavy_

Ash looked at the plane ticked, holding it tightly. Then, he crushed it. Eiji watched in surprise. The sun was slowly starting to peek out from the buildings. The sky was starting to get brighter.

_I don’t want to make you cry again_

“But,” Ash said, the plane ticket in his hand suddenly turning to dust. He opened his hand and both he and Eiji watched as the dust flew from his hand into the open. “I was too late.”

_I don’t want to see the pain in your eyes, my friend_

“What do you mean?” Eiji asked, shocked. Did he just pulverize the plane ticket?

_I did everything I could do_

Suddenly, the stains on the letters got darker and wider, spreading across the paper. Eiji jumped up, grabbing the paper. “Ash!” He grabbed Ash’s hands to get him to stand up, unsure of what was going on.

_Doesn’t mean I don’t love you_

And suddenly, he saw it.

Right on his abdomen, Eiji could make out what looked like a gunshot or a stab wound. How? How did he get hurt? Eiji was with him the entire time. Did Ash do this to himself? Why would he?

Suddenly, Ash went limp in Eiji’s arms and fell forward, Eiji catching him. “Ash? Ash!”

Eiji worked fast and quickly removed Ash’s coat. He crumpled it to make a make-shift pillow and gently laid Ash down. He lifted Ash’s shirt to reveal a deep wound that was bleeding profusely. Ash had his eyes squeezed shut as his breaths became shallow. Was he going to die?

Not on Eiji’s watch.

He took off his jacket, quickly folded it and placed it on Ash’s wound. He took one of Ash’s hand and placed it over the wound. “Press it, okay?” Eiji said, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He reached into his pocket, looking for his phone. Where was it? Did he have it on him?

“Eiji, it’s useless…”

The sun had slowly crawled up into the sky, as it turned from black to a lightly dark blue. The stars that had once been twinkling above them had slowly disappeared, making way for the sun’s rays that were beginning to illuminate the sky. Eiji could see Ash’s face and cupped it, feeling his own eyes start to water. “Don’t worry, we’re going to get through this, okay? I’m just going to call the ambulance, okay? I’ll call the ambulance to come get you and you’ll get treated and you’ll be okay, okay? Just stay strong, like you’ve always had, and-”

Ash slowly lifted his hand to touch Eiji’s face. “Eiji…”

“What?” Eiji covered Ash’s hand with his own, leaning into his touch.

“It’s okay.”

“What?”

Ash swallowed, breathing slowly. He was in pain. Eiji dug his hands into his pockets, fumbling around trying to find his phone. “Where is it, where is it?”

“Eiji!”

“What?” Eiji shouted in response. He didn’t mean to, he was just frustrated he couldn’t find his phone and stressed that the bleeding didn’t seem to be slowing down. “I don’t have time!” He dug his arms under Ash, ready to carry him over his shoulder and take him to get medical help. Surely there was a hospital or some sort of clinic nearby.

“Eiji, stop!”

Eiji stopped mid-carry as Ash closed his eyes shut, wincing in what Eiji could only assume was pain. Maybe all this moving around was hurting him. Maybe it would be better to—

“I’ll shout for someone!” Eiji cried, withdrawing his hands. The sun was beginning to peek out of the buildings, slowly sailing its way up into the sky, bringing with it its brightness as the sky lightened up. Eiji could see the tears flowing freely from Ash’s eyes as he wore a smile to mask his pain.

“Please don’t,” Ash said quietly, holding on to Eiji’s hand as he pulled him to sit with him. “Please just watch the sunrise with me. That’s all I want.”

“But Ash—”

“Please.”

Eiji stared at Ash, shocked. “Ash, if we don’t call for help…”

The sun rose higher into the sky, illuminating everything it touched. Ash was glowing in the light. Eiji thought he looked like an angel. He brushed the hair off Ash’s forehead. “Ash?”

Ash’s eyes were closed. “I’m sorry, Eiji,” he said softly, squeezing Eiji’s hand with whatever strength he had left. “I thought it was better this way. I was scared that me being around would only bring you more trouble, and the last thing I wanted was for something else to happen to you.”

“What are you saying? Are you giving up? Why? Why now?”

“I think the thought of me losing you was worse than the thought of death itself,” Ash said quietly, turning his head away from Eiji. “It was the best option, to protect you.”

Ash’s words echoed in Eiji’s ears.

“ _Losing you was worse than death itself, it was the best option to protect you.”_

_“Worse than death itself, the best option.”_

_“Death itself.”_

_“Best option.”_

_“Death, best option.”_

Everything was starting to look a little clearer to Eiji. This whole day, from their time at the ballroom, to suddenly being whisked away to witness a sunset, to now witnessing the sunrise. Eiji knew something felt a bit different but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. That, and seeing Ash having such a good time distracted him from what was going on around him.

The sun was higher up in the sky. Everything was bright, almost optimistic. You could hear the sound of the birds chirping, the traffic down below, people walking, everyone alive and living. Eiji suddenly hated it.

“This isn’t real, is it?”

Ash watched as Eiji stood up. “This is a dream, right?” Eiji asked again, anger bubbling up inside of him. He wasn’t sure why he was angry. “Because I know the real Ash wouldn’t give up.”

Who was he angry at? Himself? Ash? Who?

Ash smiled. “I’m sorry, Eiji.”

Eiji stared at Ash lying on the floor, his chest rising and falling as he continued to press Eiji’s jacket to his wound. “Why are you telling me all this?” Eiji cried. “This is just a dream, right? The real Ash is out there and alive, right?”

“I wanted to be able to tell you—”

“No!” Eiji shouted. He walked towards Ash, knelt down close to Ash, and placed his forehead on Ash’s. “No,” he whispered. “Why, Ash?”

“Ever since I came into your life, all I did was cause you and those around you pain,” Ash said quietly, his voice carrying the sadness he felt in his chest. “And as much as I wanted to continue being with you, I was so afraid that me being with you would only cause more harm to you, and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore, Eiji. I wanted you— no, needed you safe.”

"But we could be safe together, you and I," Eiji whispered, tenderly touching Ash's face. "We could protect each other, we could make each other happy." 

"I couldn't even do that the one time, Eiji," Ash said, a sad smile on his face. "Who knows who else will come after me? I can never escape my past, and all I wanted to do was leave it behind and be free. And now, I'm finally free." 

”But you didn’t even say goodbye,” Eiji said, hurt as he felt his eyes prick with tears.

“It’s better this way,” Ash continued, his voice soft. He smiled as he brought his hand to Eiji’s face. “We needed to cut ties with each other, and that was the only way to do it. Now we don’t have to worry about each other anymore.”

“That’s not fair, Ash,” Eiji whispered, tears spilling down his face.

“Life’s not fair, Eiji,” Ash laughed weakly, tears in his eyes.

Eiji pulled Ash on to his lap and hugged him. He buried his face into Ash’s neck and cried softly. Ash softly petted Eiji’s head, whispering words of consolation. To Eiji, they were empty words and did nothing to comfort him. Because this wasn’t Ash. This wasn’t real. All this wasn’t real. But the words he heard before he drifted off into this dream seemed more real than ever as they ringed in his head loud and clear in his head. And that, knowing that was real, was the sole reason Ash’s sweet nothings did _nothing_ to make him feel okay.

_“I’m so sorry, Ei-chan. Something happened to Ash. They found him collapsed on the street with a stab wound. He didn’t make it, Ei-chan, I’m so sorry.”_

“Who hurt you?” Eiji whispered into Ash’s hair.

“It doesn’t matter,” Ash said weakly.

“It does to me!”

“Eiji,” Ash pleaded. “Please, no more. Just hold me right now.”

Eiji complied and held Ash tightly. Now more than ever, he regretted not hugging him during their final moment at the hospital.

“I’m sorry you felt that leaving forever was the only way to protect me,” Eiji said, his voice quivering as he tried to fight the sobs that were starting to grow.

“Don’t be,” Ash said, barely audible. “I’m so glad I met you. And knowing you’ll be safe is more than enough for me. I promise.”

“I’ll never forget you,” Eiji said, planting a small kiss on Ash’s forehead. “Thank you for coming back.”

“Of course, Eiji,” Ash replied, hand on Eiji’s face as he rubbed small circles on his cheek. “Anything for you.”

_Everything I once had it is gone_

Ash started to glow a little brighter. The last thing Eiji saw was a smile on Ash’s face before he shielded his eyes from the brightness. He heard Ash mumble something but he couldn’t catch was said. When he opened his eyes to ask him to repeat what he said, he found himself lying down in his bed, staring at his ceiling. He started breathing heavily as he gripped his blanket, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He didn’t know what time it was, but he didn’t care.

_But you won’t see me complaining at all_

“Ibe-san!” He shouted, his voice quivering. He stayed lying down as he heard footsteps towards his door, his gaze glued to the ceiling.

_I’m gonna have to make it on my own_

He needed to make sure.

_Sometimes I think I’m better off alone_

He heard his room door open. “Ei-chan?”

_Oooooh I’m done trying to hold on_

“Ibe-san, is it true?” Eiji whispered.

_Oooooh ‘cause I had this all wrong_

Ibe-san stood at the doorway, biting his lip as he struggled to find the right words to say.

_All this fear that's in my head_

“About Ash?”

_Gonna fight it back instead_

“I’m sorry, Ei-chan,” Ibe-san finally said. “It was too late by the time they found him.”

_Of crying on my knees_

So it was true.

_Hoping nobody sees me_

Before he could stop himself, Eiji found himself crying. Ibe-san rushed from where he stood to comfort Eiji, pulling him into a hug and rubbing his back soothingly. Ash Lynx was really gone, and there was nothing Eiji could do to bring him back.

_Falling, falling, when I’m falling_

_“Thank you, Eiji, for saving me.”_

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAA okay so i watched banana fish a couple of weeks ago and oh my goD the ending, i was an absolute sobbing mess!!!  
> of course, this fic doesnt help in that its not a happy ending, but i really wanted ash to tell eiji what happened, or have like a last interaction between them :(((  
> okay so during this writing process, i also included lyrics to some songs that helped me through my writing and i kept them in because i thought they kinda fit the story a bit!!!  
> they're all by camryn leigh smith and they're all really nice so if you want to listen to them, then please do!!! (here are the songs in order: anything to make you stay, forever and a day, doesn't mean i don't love you, falling)  
> ANYWAYS i hope you liked this fic!!! again, always welcome to comments, be it advice or just to say you liked it :D  
> okay this notes section is long and i'm rambling so i'm gonna go :)  
> HAVE A GREAT DAY <3 :)


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